These are "Funnies".
Jokes.
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Pinnocchio has drowned!
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Pinocchio visits a doctor.
The doctor checks him over and says, "Yes, mister,
you have woodlice."
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"Do
you like horses?
"Yes."
"Then
why don't you ride?"
"If
I liked hedgehogs, would I ride them too?"
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A
wolf and a rabbit come to a restaurant.
"I
would like some carrot and cabbage," says the
rabbit.
"And
is your friend hungry?" asks the waiter.
"If
he was, I won't be here."
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A
teacher says to his students during the exam:
"You
can peek at the answers, but make it so I don't
notice!"
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A
boy and a girl are reading an animal magazine. They
start to argue: "Could be!"
"Can't
be!"
"Could
be!"
"Cant
be!"
"Let's
ask then!"
The
boy and the girl come to their grandmother:
"Granny,
can you have kids?"
"Well
no, dears, of course not!"
The
children walk away. The boy says:
"See,
I told you, she's male!"
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"What's
your name?"
Silence.
"How
old are you?"
"Nick."
"Are
you slow?"
"Ten."
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Saint
George mounted the stallion, reached towards his
sword, shouting "Show me the dragon!"...
when a bunch of yelling guys ran to him and
dragged him off the horse. Served him right: should
have paid for the carousel ride.
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Two
fish in a fish tank. One asks another:
"Do
you think God exists?" The other fish swims
away, thinks, and replies:
"But
if not, who changes the water in the tank?"
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What
is the question that no one would answer positively?
"Are
you dead?"
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A
lion walks across the forest and meets a bear. The
lion says,
"Name?"
"Bear."
"Writing
down;
bear. Come tomorrow, I'm going to eat you. Questions?"
The
bear walks away in tears.
The
lion walks on and meets a fox.
"Name?"
"Fox."
"Writing;
fox. Come to me the day after tomorrow, I'll eat
you. Questions?"
The
crying fox walks away.
The
lion walks on and meets a hedgehog.
"Name?"
"Hedgehog."
"Writing;
hedgehog. Come to me two days after tomorrow, I'll
eat you. Do you have any questions?"
The
hedgehog says,
"Yes.
Can I not come?"
"Yes,
you can - crossing out."
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Why
did E.T. die?
Because
he had to pay his phone bills.
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"Well,
Mr. Black, did you sleep well last night? Did you
count sheep?"
"Yes,
I did, doctor. I counted 362,493,5."
"And
did you sleep then?"
"No,
it was time to get up!"
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"On
the way to school, a boy fell and everyone laughed.
But I didn't."
"Very
good, Billy. Who was the boy?"
"Me!"
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Imagine
Legolas riding his horse. On his back is a sheet
of paper:
"If
you can read this, the dwarf fell off."
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Garfield
and Jon.
Jon:
"There
is one cookie left.
One
mouldy, stale, stone-hard, tasteless, 10-year old
cookie. And you're gonna eat it?"
Garfield:
"Any
doubts?"
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Jon:
There is one last cookie left. Do you know what
tham means?
Garfield:
I can have it?
Jon:
It means you ate the rest!!!
Garfield:
Oh, and that, too...
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Jon:
Garfield, what happened to the cookies that used
to be in this jar?........No, that's a dumb question.
Garfield:
Exactly.
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Garfield:
Hey Jon, I'll bet anything that you won't find Odie!
Jon:
Garfield... what were you doing with that shovel?
Garfield:
No hints!
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Garfield:
Come out, mouse!
Voice
from inside the mouse hole: Mouse doesn't live here
anymore!
Garfield:
Then who are YOU?
Voice:
I'm a sabre-tooth shrieking lemur!
Garfield
walks up to Jon: I've got good news and bad news....
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Garfield
is lying on his back, totally ignorant of the world.
Jon complains: Garfield, I just saw a mouse!
Garfield:
...
Jon:
It's in the kitchen!
Garfield:
...
Jon:
It's driving a shopping cart!
Garfield:
Is that your reason for me to get up?
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Garfield:
Poor cupcake... You look so lonely.... You need
a friend... I'll introduce you to a lasagne. *munch*
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