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These are "Funnies".
Jokes.
Pinnocchio has drowned!
Pinocchio visits a doctor.
The doctor checks him over and says, "Yes, mister,
you have woodlice."
"Do
you like horses?
"Yes."
"Then
why don't you ride?"
"If
I liked hedgehogs, would I ride them too?"
A
wolf and a rabbit come to a restaurant.
"I
would like some carrot and cabbage," says the
rabbit.
"And
is your friend hungry?" asks the waiter.
"If
he was, I won't be here."
A
teacher says to his students during the exam:
"You
can peek at the answers, but make it so I don't
notice!"
A
boy and a girl are reading an animal magazine. They
start to argue: "Could be!"
"Can't
be!"
"Could
be!"
"Cant
be!"
"Let's
ask then!"
The
boy and the girl come to their grandmother:
"Granny,
can you have kids?"
"Well
no, dears, of course not!"
The
children walk away. The boy says:
"See,
I told you, she's male!"
"What's
your name?"
Silence.
"How
old are you?"
"Nick."
"Are
you slow?"
"Ten."
Saint
George mounted the stallion, reached towards his
sword, shouting "Show me the dragon!"...
when a bunch of yelling guys ran to him and
dragged him off the horse. Served him right: should
have paid for the carousel ride.
Two
fish in a fish tank. One asks another:
"Do
you think God exists?" The other fish swims
away, thinks, and replies:
"But
if not, who changes the water in the tank?"
What
is the question that no one would answer positively?
"Are
you dead?"
A
lion walks across the forest and meets a bear. The
lion says,
"Name?"
"Bear."
"Writing
down;
bear. Come tomorrow, I'm going to eat you. Questions?"
The
bear walks away in tears.
The
lion walks on and meets a fox.
"Name?"
"Fox."
"Writing;
fox. Come to me the day after tomorrow, I'll eat
you. Questions?"
The
crying fox walks away.
The
lion walks on and meets a hedgehog.
"Name?"
"Hedgehog."
"Writing;
hedgehog. Come to me two days after tomorrow, I'll
eat you. Do you have any questions?"
The
hedgehog says,
"Yes.
Can I not come?"
"Yes,
you can - crossing out."
Why
did E.T. die?
Because
he had to pay his phone bills.
"Well,
Mr. Black, did you sleep well last night? Did you
count sheep?"
"Yes,
I did, doctor. I counted 362,493,5."
"And
did you sleep then?"
"No,
it was time to get up!"
"On
the way to school, a boy fell and everyone laughed.
But I didn't."
"Very
good, Billy. Who was the boy?"
"Me!"
Imagine
Legolas riding his horse. On his back is a sheet
of paper:
"If
you can read this, the dwarf fell off."
Garfield
and Jon.
Jon:
"There
is one cookie left.
One
mouldy, stale, stone-hard, tasteless, 10-year old
cookie. And you're gonna eat it?"
Garfield:
"Any
doubts?"
Jon:
There is one last cookie left. Do you know what
tham means?
Garfield:
I can have it?
Jon:
It means you ate the rest!!!
Garfield:
Oh, and that, too...
Jon:
Garfield, what happened to the cookies that used
to be in this jar?........No, that's a dumb question.
Garfield:
Exactly.
Garfield:
Hey Jon, I'll bet anything that you won't find Odie!
Jon:
Garfield... what were you doing with that shovel?
Garfield:
No hints!
Garfield:
Come out, mouse!
Voice
from inside the mouse hole: Mouse doesn't live here
anymore!
Garfield:
Then who are YOU?
Voice:
I'm a sabre-tooth shrieking lemur!
Garfield
walks up to Jon: I've got good news and bad news....
Garfield
is lying on his back, totally ignorant of the world.
Jon complains: Garfield, I just saw a mouse!
Garfield:
...
Jon:
It's in the kitchen!
Garfield:
...
Jon:
It's driving a shopping cart!
Garfield:
Is that your reason for me to get up?
Garfield:
Poor cupcake... You look so lonely.... You need
a friend... I'll introduce you to a lasagne. *munch*
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